FLOWING to Well-Being: F is for Feeling

The phrase “go with the flow” is commonly heard in mindfulness oriented groups, but what does it really mean?  The word “flow” has an underlying appeal that brings to mind the movement of water, burbling streams and rhythmic waves.  Perhaps we have an inherent understanding of flow, based on our bodies composition of 97% water, but could the term have deeper application to our well-being?

When I was writing my book, Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss, I asked myself the same question about the meaning of the word flow, and discovered it held a key to self-exploration and expression, as well as opportunity for enhanced healing from loss.  As I reflected upon the letters of the word F-L-O-W they revealed a connection to particular practice oriented words: Feel, Listen, Open, and Witness.  These words effectively describe the heart of healing.  In the months ahead, let’s consider how each of these concepts plays a role in wellness and recovery.

F - Feel.  Life is so full of hurry and hurt that we learn from a young age to ignore and deny our bodies.  Social messages about not being “good-enough” as we are, come from every corner, especially so when it comes to how we look and feel.  Weight loss products and pharmaceutical interventions occupy the vast majority of the advertising slots on our television screens, and more indirect suggestions for buying everything from groceries to luxury cars bombard us with a message of “buy this and you will be more attractive, more sophisticated, more popular”, and so on.  In other words, “Who you are is not enough, and if you spend your money on this or that product, we can make you better.”  Is it any surprise that drugs, depression and debt are the problems that plague our society?

These social messages along with an understandable wish to avoid negative emotions and physical pain cause us to turn away from or actively block feelings.  Doing so has negative implications for our self-awareness and for our communication in relationships.  If we ignore the body’s signals about pain, we risk missing important opportunities to address imbalances while they are still correctable.  If we block our attention to emotional pain, we seek external sources of blame and may misunderstand our own position in our social environment.  Seeking external causes for our own pain is a bit like looking at someone else’s house for our missing keys; shouldn’t we check our own couch cushions first?

If we take the time to hold a calm, steady attention to our bodies, we can tap into blocked or intense mind-body energies to see what may be contained within them.  These energies are often made up of doubts and fears about our own capacity to handle challenges in life. They may hold losses from earlier times, even some from earliest childhood, and/or may be based on misinformation.  A past negative experience can create distorted perceptions about the present, leaving us vulnerable to a continued sense of victimization or unworthiness.  By sitting with and Feeling those key experiences we can address our childhood-based confusion, and take in more up to date information.  For example, a child whose parents are financially stressed or suffering their own depression may get a message of unworthiness or being unwanted, and may take that message to heart leading to hesitation and low self-esteem in adult relationships.  If instead they can sit with the negative message that they have carried, and see the larger context of parental overwhelm, they can release the blocked access to alternative signals from friends and family, and participate more effectively in their own relationships.

In terms of our physical health, we need to know our body’s baseline functioning in order to notice if and when things may be off balance.  Disregarding pain or fatigue may cause us to miss important cues about self-care or the need to seek medical support.  In my own case, had I not been able to check in with my body prior to know the changing conditions of my breast tissue, I might have missed the emergence of the cancerous lump that was quickly consuming healthy tissue.  Such a missed opportunity might have robbed me of the chance to be here today, sharing my story with you.   

Whether physical or emotional, stress and fatigue can create a ticking time-bomb of immune system failures or disrupted relationships.  The only way to prevent such disruptions is to attend with compassion to the inner workings of your bodymind energies.  Ignoring your own internal signals for extended periods will never lead to a better outcome, even though facing those fears may be hard.  Instead, make some time to sit with your Feelings, reflect and find opportunities to express them and don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help.  Just noticing your Feelings is the first step to FLOWING into well-being, Next time we will explore how to Listen and respond effectively to those Feelings.

Ellen C. Ranney, PhD. Is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice.  She specializes in work with trauma survivors and their families.  Dr. Ranney is the author of Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss, (c)2016, available at www.unkindgifts.com.

Building up the FLOW

Part of the fun of this project has been making the time, and giving myself permission to explore different options for self-expression and expansion. As I have gotten to know my own parts in all their glory I have found a level of self-acceptance that is unprecedented.  Despite their burdens and their quirks I really love these unique elements of myself.  I admire the ways they have found to cope and to thrive especially when it might have been easier to hide away and feel sorry for ourselves.  My clients have inspired me in this, and have helped me to find the tools.

My number one tool is certainly a product of training in Internal Family Systems therapy.  Through that training I have gotten clear about how my coping skills have developed, and in response to what.  At the same time I learned not to take myself so seriously.  That life is full of risks, but that it is necessary to confront risk, if we are ever to reach our rewards.  This is it, the only life we have to work with (although my Buddhist parts remind me that we aren’t necessarily limited to only one).

 

So here is what I want to do; use this space to continue playing with ideas for creative recovery.  If you’d be interested in joining me, and maybe letting me know what you think of these ideas as we go along, I’d be happy to have you with me on the journey.  I will share some of the things that have been most meaningful to my own recovery, and will try to modify them where it seems appropriate to make best use of the activity in the service of Integration.  That’s the term used for identifying change at the level of the nervous system, and sorting through some of those old burdens that have blocked development and engagement in the past.  When you read the book, you will notice that it is the “I” in my acronym FLOWING; the part of the word that goes from passive to active.  (That’s what is known as a teaser.  I’ll continue to reference elements of the model, in no particular order, as we go along.)  

The first activity I will suggest is keeping a journal – nothing fancy, just a place to track your efforts and reactions as we go along.  If I have discovered anything, it is that the writing makes it real.  Otherwise it is just a thought that goes away, or if we remember it at all, it looks different in hindsight.  The act of writing is a way to engage those thoughts, to honor them (even the silly ones).  Writing is an opportunity to Witness our own development, and by Witnessing, to acknowledge, participate with and even to heal old wounds.  So let’s start there, and find out what happens next as we begin FLOWING together.

All in Good Time

When I took a break from blogging two years ago I decided to use any available writing time to get the book together.  Yesterday I finished the edit to a point that the project is ready to hand off to a professional editor, so here I am, as promised, back at the blog.  It seems like a good time to jump back on the bike, while the wheels are still spinning.  Otherwise those wheels might get rusty, and harder to pedal.

I am in my happy place, back at the Minnesota lake cabin, where thoughts FLOW and creativity comes easy.  Tomorrow we head back to the big city and all of the routines that demand attention and energy.  Added to that will be seeking help with publishing the book so all that work isn’t in vain.  In truth, it could never be that, even if nobody reads it, although I certainly hope they (you) do.  The process was amazing; it gave me permission to explore and consider my own internal processes in a way that might have been considered self-indulgent if it hadn’t been intended as something to benefit others.  At least that’s what my old self would have thought.

Taking on the book has established a new way of thinking, but only gradually.  Perhaps turning 50 before I got serious about it has something to do with my change of attitude, but even then I continued to doubt my efforts.  After all, who would want to hear anything I have to say?  (That was the doubting parts asking)  The answer is, I don’t know, and if I don’t put it out there, I never will.   So instead of folding to the possibility of failure, I choose to try.  

That’s the amazing part, just by trying I have found myself opening up to the gifts within and around me.  I have released my doubts (mostly) and decided to go for it; to let it FLOW.  I have had the amazing experience of surviving cancer and all its nasty treatment effects.  I still fight to keep the after effect from taking over, but that’s part of the learning curve.  I talk to people everyday who are working on making their life better, despite whatever life has thrown in their way.  Inevitably, it’s those curve balls that make the whole thing move interesting and shake them out of their complacency.  Maybe not right away but eventually.  That’s why I called the book Unkind Gifts.  There is something to be gained from all that pain.  There are presents found in presence.  We just need to Open it up and see what’s inside.

The New Year Reboot

My blogging has lagged over the Holiday season.  Instead my time went to cleaning house, preparing menus and meals, and making or buying gift items for my loved ones.  I would venture a guess that you, too, reader, have been doing much the same sorts of activities.  These December rituals have come to define what we love, and sometimes dread about the season.  Yes, it is distracting, and often exhausting, but there is a purpose to these predictable disruptions at the end of each year.  They shape our lives with time to pause and express our appreciation of otherwise routine activities, and offer a reminder to reach out to others in our appreciation of them.

Ritual is a way to make the everyday sacred.  In the hectic day-to-day of life, it becomes essential to slow things down and engage with our environment.  Taking time to note beauty in surprising places creates opportunity to ground oneself, not only in the external factors but in the felt relationship with those surroundings. 

By engaging "ordinary miracles" within each day, we attain connection to the energetic qualities available in that moment.  Remember to note opportunities in your day for such potential connection: the sound of a warming teakettle; the crunch of frosted earth underfoot as you walk through the world with a loved one; watching children at play; each in its own way a sacred event.  When the positive energies in such moments are embodied, they result in calm, healing moments in our lives.  Indeed, such times are likely to attract further positives to their practice and presence providing us with further opportunity to engage the world as a pathway to a life of Healing FLOW.

Now that the decorations have been boxed up for next year, and the leftovers have been consumed, make a choice to celebrate each new day with the enthusiasm and appreciation of our annual efforts.  An attitude of curiosity and positive expectations can open up avenues to fulfillment.  So Happy New Day, everyone!

Branching Out

 This blog is part of an effort toward collecting my thoughts and experiences of trauma in a book for general readership.  At times I struggle to stay on track with the project, life gets in the way, but if I criticize myself for not doing enough or moving fast enough, I will have defeated my purpose.  Instead, I remind myself that the book is an ongoing process that will reach its completion at the right time, if I don't get in my own way.

The book seems to come together in tree form, like the "Grandfather Tree" that embraces the window of my study.  Branches of meaning come together at a central core, while all around the edges are leaflets of ideas; snippets of life clustering around connective twigs of story.  It is a network of personal and interpersonal energies moving in many directions through space and time.  My Self in connection with the Universe; the Spirit of harmony; the FLOW.

The trick is to allow myself to tolerate vulnerability - to trust - after all of the hard knocks of life in the real world of relationships and obligations.  To trust my Self, I must find ways to practice mindful awareness in the day to day.  It is essential to relationships, to my immune system, to my bio-social-emotional wellbeing, that I engage in connection, rather than dwell in the stress of task completion, interspersed with withdrawal and escape tactics.  In order to move through our part of the "network" effectively, we must open channels for energies to FLOW through, and find release.  Willingness to be open, to be mindful without judgement, to avoid imposing meanings; willingness to merely observe, with compassion, our own actions, and those of others; that is the Buddhist concept of Zen with with we can counterbalance the hectic, daily distractions and details of our lives in "Real-Time."

Look to the trees for inspiration (literally "to breathe in").  As energy flows from earth and sky, they take it in, and maintain flexibility.  Trees flourish in good times and stand strong amidst storms.  They endure, participating in the cycle of life without trying to grab control of their environment.  Giving breath and taking nourishment from their interconnection with the living things around them, creating new growth from decay, transforming that which enters their field.  They remain rooted in the earth until their time on earth is complete, yet even then, they contribute to the warmth, the shelter, the comfort of others, even the pages on which my book will eventually be printed is a gift of the trees; Inspiring.

Practicing What I Preach

I haven't posted much during the month of October, but I am always thinking about how to maintain FLOW in my life.  The transition from the hot dry Summer to a lush and colorful Autumn is an especially meaningful time for me.  The angle of sunlight changes, adding increased awareness of the shortening days, and adding meaning to the day to day opportunity to be out in nature.  We traveled this month to our lake, a 650 mi journey to the past.  The little cabin built by my grandfather as a gift to future generations is a place of powerful ancestral energies.  Family stories build a tapestry of history from the days of loggers and Native American wild rice fields, investing the simple moments with tradition and intention.  Those who have gone before somehow remain present in the cedar walls and loon cries of that cabin.

It is not coincidental that my wedding took place in October, but another, more complex anniversary also falls at the end of this month.  Fourteen years since hearing the news that I had breast cancer, the long painful and frightening journey began from that point.  It is important to hold to that date, not just to grieve for the losses, but to embrace the healing that has been a direct result of that terrible challenge.  A time to count blessings, and consider ways to sustain and further the healing.  October emerges into rites of celebration.  Marking the passage of time and the strength of tradition is a powerful way to aid the flow of positive energy for a true appreciation of the present, unfolding as it will toward the infinite possibilities of the future.

Stress and the Bodymind

Change can be hard, but sometimes not making the needed change is a dangerous mistake. Stress is ever present in our lives in this day and age, yet how we handle it is a choice.  Do we just submit to the situation?  Play the role of victim to our circumstances?  Or do we take the opportunity to create change and commit to a new way of viewing and acting on our own behalf?  To do the former is to struggle with blockage and frustration, while the latter choice offers improved health and quality of life.

How we deal with stress can be deadly; support for this position is evident in the illustration above.  Patterned responses to perceived problems are set in place early in life, leaving us with limited options for creative problem solving, even developing brain based pathways that "efficiently" keep us in unhealthy loops of thinking and behavioral responses.  A common by-product of such limitations in the bodymind is the emergence of an autoimmune disorder.  These instances of compromised immune functioning are literal instances of the body(mind) turning on itself in destructive ways.  High profile examples of autoimmune disorders include Lupus, Chronic Fatigue Disorder, and Celiac Disease, but the list is extensive and symptoms often overlap.  Such disorders may go along undetected until the level of damage is extreme enough to present as full-blown disease, as in cancer, heart disease and diabetes, to name a few.  The implications of ongoing imbalance in health go beyond mere physical illness, impacting relationships, finances and mental well-being.

Since the signs of imbalance are subtle at first, it is imperative to maintain awareness of one's own best functioning on physical and emotional levels.  Western medicine offers many amazing options, but is often shortsighted with regard to the source and course of underlying immune function imbalance.  For this reason it may be necessary to seek out alternative and complementary practitioners to aid in the effort to maintain health.  A known source of imbalance is early trauma, and chronic exposure to stress.  These events tend to include denial or dismissal of one's own experiences and perceptions, as well as keeping attention directed outward toward external demands, thus limiting opportunity for awareness of the subtle signals of imbalance until they blossom into full blown illness.

It is imperative in the quest for health and balance that we slow down and make time to tune-in to ourselves.  Attention to signals from the bodymind is a practice (see earlier post on Finding FLOW).  When we find, listen and openly witness our internal meanings, we have the chance to address imbalance early in its course, as well as a strong base from which to cope and perhaps change that course.  These disruptions will then take their place in life as opportunities for change, another set of unkind gifts that may extend and enhance life..., the greatest gift of all.

Finding F.L.O.W.

 It rained yesterday, after months of parching, dusty dry days, the likes of which this river-crossed state has never seen.  Soft gentle rain fell throughout the morning hours, giving the scorched earth a much needed respite.  No doubt, the trees will show a wide dark ring of mean season beneath their bark; a lasting imprint of nature's sometimes cruelty.  Yet the trees have been offered opportunity for recovery, a chance to drink in nourishment enough to sustain them until cooler, wetter days return.

The dark rings of trauma might be seen beneath the skin of many of us.  Once suffered, trauma will never be undone.  It might be tempting to allow those dark scars to define our future, expecting (like the pessimists of the first blog entry) that to hope for better, might borrow trouble.  To give in to this temptation, is to choose a narrow path through life, one that isolates in the name of "safety."  There is another path, that like the healing rainfall, offers recovery in the water's flow.

Dan Siegel drdansiegel.com, proposes a simple model of health; a river flowing between two banks, with one side being characterized by chaos, and the other by rigidity. The point of this illustration is that ill health (mental, physical and spiritual) is generally made up of symptoms that fall to one "river-bank" or the other.  Think "Anxiety" (chaos) vs. "Depression" (rigidity); or, in the language of post-trauma diagnoses, "Intrusion" (chaotic reminders of  helplessness and overwhelming terror) vs. "Numbing" (rigid blocking of emotional and physical sensations).  So it follows that health is more a keeping to the middle part of the river, staying in the flow, so to speak.  A simple, but effective, conceptual model of recovery.

I love to be near water.  It soothes my spirit to listen to burbling, splashing, even crashing sounds of water in its many forms. The idea of flowing waters accompanied my meditations during preparation for childbirth, and soothed the fatigue and nausea of chemotherapy.  Perhaps it is not coincidental that I was born under a water sign of the zodiac.  Or maybe it is a universal experience to find healing in water; as human beings, water makes up over 97% of our bodies; we can survive for days without food, but not without water.  Whatever the reason, I became curious about the effects of the experience of, even the sound of the word, FLOW.  Contemplation of the word led me to an appreciation of its use as an acronym for recovery practices.  The particulars are common ideas, but the acronym is of my own making, so I will claim authorship, with credit due to my training in Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS),  selfleadership.org, and its developer, Dick Schwartz.

F.L.O.W. refers to mindful attention to unconscious processes via physical and emotional signals.  Instead of pushing past a stiff neck or headache, or the tightness in your gut, take a few moments to sit with that signal from your body.  In other words find and feel its presence. Consider that it holds a message about something you may benefit from attending to, and take the time to listen and learn from it.  In the spirit of all meditative practices, it is essential to avoid making judgments about the body parts or the ideas that may be present in that moment of awareness, so be open to whatever thoughts, images or feelings arise.  It is only by such non-judgmental attention that you can act as a witness to your own story of loss or of hope, and thereby understand the meanings, and inform the intentions, that will carry you forward into recovery and personal development.


Find, Listen, and Openly Witness: FLOW.


Taking the concept of FLOW further, it becomes a powerful tool to support healthy functioning in many realms.  If we are blocked in mind or body - for example plaque in the coronary arteries, or floundering in a state of grief - there are consequences to those blockages (e.g., heart attack, depression, relationship disruptions...).  If instead we actively attend to signals of blockage, we can support movement of whatever the source may be, and get things flowing again.  This doesn't imply that we have control over what happens to us in life, only that we have opportunities in our approach to how we manage those challenges.

Flow can be seen throughout bodily systems: circulatory, respiratory, lymphatic, digestive, hormonal..., and in the range of human emotions available to experience.  Nature is always in a process of flowing; rivers and tides; wind currents; seasons; planetary orbits; and in cycles of life and death.  Seasons change, trees grow, droughts occur, and healing rains arrive, so take a tip from mother nature and go with the flow.