Self-Sabotage

Self awareness is a powerful tool for health, but it can sometimes be derailed by confusing or ineffective input, creating a state of self-doubt.  This state is actually one that masquerades as self-awareness, but it is distorted by judgmentalism; an artifact of the ego that in its attempt to protect us, ends up undermining our best efforts.  To stave off such doubt we often find ourselves over-functioning, "burning the candle at both ends," as it were.  Driven by competition and the wish to be worthy or special, we take on too many goals, under-serving each, and ultimately sabotaging ourselves.  

Perhaps the tendency to overextend ourselves is actually a form of hedging our bets, if I "fail" to attain what I desire, or impress my (internal or external) audience in one arena, perhaps another one will serve to make up for it.  But as physicists tell us, systems contain finite amounts of energy, therefore, using the energy in one area, limits what is available in another.  In other words, multitasking and over-performing can amount to self-sabotage; our best efforts worn thin in a desire to spread them across too many bases.

There is a huge dilemma in trying to "be all that we can be" instead of just being.  This is further complicated by the pace of life around us, with its deadlines and competitive focus.  Time for self is viewed as "laziness," self-expression is considered "self-indulgence" (said with a concerned frown and much shaking of the head).  Such critical voices from our past and present are especially troublesome when our sense-of-self has been compromised by exposure to interpersonal trauma, leaving us with an already compromised idea of our own worth, and our competence to determine best choices.  

Exposure to trauma is an inherent threat to our sense of trust in ourselves, and in the world.  The tools we need for determining balance between "enough" and "too much" lose their accuracy, so we look outward to try to make that determination.  Yet what we see around us is likely distorted as well, by that very same factor of self-doubt, leading to an endless cycle of trying to "keep up with the Jones'es," who, by the way, are trying to keep up with everyone else.  Add television marketing and the internet-driven-narcissism of social networking to the mix, and we are on the hamster wheel of self-sabotage to an unsustainable level.  At that point, the only thing left to do is to shut down completely.  Witness the manic-depressive cycle of a society; we should hardly be surprised that the most frequent mental health diagnosis of the last two decades is that of "bi-polar disorder."

How do we break this dangerous cycle?  It requires time, patience, and true self-awareness; the kind that disconnects from the competition and criticism of our social environment.  Time to get to know our own pace and best functioning; the patience to determine how much is enlivening and interesting, versus demanding and exhausting;and self-awareness to know when we are attaining our own goals and needs rather than those being fed us by the market-driven economy. None of this can develop overnight, yet with practice such efforts will likely lead to greater satisfaction and compassion in life - Truly a Gold-Medal finish.

Stress and the Bodymind

Change can be hard, but sometimes not making the needed change is a dangerous mistake. Stress is ever present in our lives in this day and age, yet how we handle it is a choice.  Do we just submit to the situation?  Play the role of victim to our circumstances?  Or do we take the opportunity to create change and commit to a new way of viewing and acting on our own behalf?  To do the former is to struggle with blockage and frustration, while the latter choice offers improved health and quality of life.

How we deal with stress can be deadly; support for this position is evident in the illustration above.  Patterned responses to perceived problems are set in place early in life, leaving us with limited options for creative problem solving, even developing brain based pathways that "efficiently" keep us in unhealthy loops of thinking and behavioral responses.  A common by-product of such limitations in the bodymind is the emergence of an autoimmune disorder.  These instances of compromised immune functioning are literal instances of the body(mind) turning on itself in destructive ways.  High profile examples of autoimmune disorders include Lupus, Chronic Fatigue Disorder, and Celiac Disease, but the list is extensive and symptoms often overlap.  Such disorders may go along undetected until the level of damage is extreme enough to present as full-blown disease, as in cancer, heart disease and diabetes, to name a few.  The implications of ongoing imbalance in health go beyond mere physical illness, impacting relationships, finances and mental well-being.

Since the signs of imbalance are subtle at first, it is imperative to maintain awareness of one's own best functioning on physical and emotional levels.  Western medicine offers many amazing options, but is often shortsighted with regard to the source and course of underlying immune function imbalance.  For this reason it may be necessary to seek out alternative and complementary practitioners to aid in the effort to maintain health.  A known source of imbalance is early trauma, and chronic exposure to stress.  These events tend to include denial or dismissal of one's own experiences and perceptions, as well as keeping attention directed outward toward external demands, thus limiting opportunity for awareness of the subtle signals of imbalance until they blossom into full blown illness.

It is imperative in the quest for health and balance that we slow down and make time to tune-in to ourselves.  Attention to signals from the bodymind is a practice (see earlier post on Finding FLOW).  When we find, listen and openly witness our internal meanings, we have the chance to address imbalance early in its course, as well as a strong base from which to cope and perhaps change that course.  These disruptions will then take their place in life as opportunities for change, another set of unkind gifts that may extend and enhance life..., the greatest gift of all.

Trauma in Families: the (unkind) gift that keeps on giving

When you throw a pebble into a pond, it sends ripples out in every direction.  The calm surface is disturbed, and everything nearby shifts.  Now picture a handful of pebbles with ripples that merge and change course, so the predictably of the ripple effect is lost to chaos.  If we take it further and drop in a boulder or two; the water is left muddy, and plant life may be broken off, or torn up by the roots.  This is a pretty good metaphor for the effects of trauma within families and communities.  Things may change to a point of being unrecognizable as the place it was before.

My own experience of this phenomenon was in the profound changes to my body, and my perspective on life, following my cancer diagnosis 14 years ago.  Everything spun on a dime, and there were months and years of trying to find a stable place to begin to rebuild.  It took awhile to discover the gifts of that time, but the jury is still out on the effect it has had on my kids.  I know enough about trauma to know that the younger one is at the time of occurrence, the more likely the disruption is to change the trajectory of development.  As the psychologically minded mom that I am, I find myself wondering at each challenge they face, "Would it be different if they hadn't had to go through having a mom with cancer?"  At times I'm sure the answer would be "no," that life just offers such lessons along the way, but other times I'm sure the answer is "yes," and I struggle with lingering grief for the burdens they bear.

Despite efforts to the contrary, we are all affected by the experiences of those around us.  Turn on the 10pm news any evening to see a dozen examples of families and communities struggling to rebuild after an earthquake; a shooting; a bomb...; and we know that in a million other places families are struggling with the less public but equally profound tragedies of death, addiction, poverty and violence http://www.helpguide.org/mental/emotional_psychological_trauma.htm.  Every one of those families and communities is its own little pond, or big sea of ripples and waves that intersect and create further disturbances as they travel outward from their origins.  It staggers the imagination and begs the question, "Is there such a thing as a life unaffected by trauma?"

The first noble truth discovered by the Buddha is that suffering is universal.

It can be overwhelming to try to take on this awareness, so many of us turn our backs to pain by denying its lasting influence.  Sometimes we even blame others for their part in the tragedy, and even resent them for needing help.  Witness the continued reduction of support for poor families with starving children, while luxury items lead sales records, and CEO's make exponentially more profits than a decade ago.  This is yet another byproduct of exposure to trauma; one that manifests in the creation of another generation of victims and perpetrators.

Still, there are gifts available to those who stay open to their presence.  Those who take the time to connect and to share what they have can change the world, one ripple at a time.  Who work quietly behind the scenes to offer support to those in need, and who dedicate their efforts to making the world a better place.  Those ripples of caring and calm are also spreading outward, and we can all do our part to keep them moving outward.

I think of that when I see my sons' gentleness with the children and pets that are around them.  I recognize the positive gifts of our mutual struggles when they support their friends in similar struggles of life crisis and loss.  Would it be different if they hadn't had to go through the fear and uncertainty with their dad and me?  Maybe, but maybe not.  Still the ripples continue.

Transforming Trauma with Mindfulness

The summer heatwave finally broke, and even though it is still early August there is a whisper of autumn in the air.  Perhaps that explains the increased intensity of the work being done at my office, stlcounselors.com.  Several clients are working at a pace and depth seldom encountered before; tuning into deep hurt and transforming the meanings into motivation for a better future.

As witness and coach to such transformation, I am in a place of privilege.  The courage and conviction it takes to face one's pain and take on recovery is  inspiring.  Recovery takes energy and creates momentum like a powerful undertow in the ocean, and as such can take one to unexpected places.  Being present for such work requires that I navigate carefully to avoid being thrown off my own course. Some unknown territories might be encountered, the sort that mapmakers of old would label, "Here There be Dragons."

Caregivers cannot help but be affected by exposure to the suffering of others.  Trauma therapy demands attention to self-as-therapist to avoid letting personal issues impact the client's recovery process, and also to avoid becoming traumatized oneself (secondary trauma).  The same is true for any support person who cares for a family member or patient, whether at home, or at a facility; self-care is crucial to maintaining the ability to continue to work effectively.  If not, the chances of burnout, or breakdown of emotional and physical resources, is high.  For the sake of patient and provider, self-awareness and self-care are crucial to successful recovery and care-giving over the long haul.

Mindfulness practices are increasingly recognized as the most effective way to attend to well-being.  Though it seems simple, setting aside time to be quiet and focus inward is the perfect counterbalance to the hectic external focus of care-giving.  Attention to breathing allows the heart and mind to calm; creates mental space where priorities shift and resources emerge; releases one from demands and pressures of service to spend a moment in peace and gratitude.  It fills the well, so there will be more available when resources start to run dry.

There are as many ways to practice mindfulness as there are creative minds, but breath awareness is essential to every practice.  Sensory attention can offer easy access, one sense at a time; listening to your environment without holding onto, or thinking beyond, what is heard; or feeling the textures and temperature of air to skin, skin to cloth, nerves to tissue.  For some people it is helpful to label the object of awareness, then let it go until another thought, sound or sense arises.  By doing so, we can step back from familiar ways of thinking and routine behaviors, to open up to new possibilities.

Trauma is defined by avoidance of recurrent, intrusive thoughts and actions.  Mindfulness is a practice of attention and letting go, thus it is the perfect counterbalance to trauma.  More than that, mindfulness changes biological and brain based patterns that have negative implications for healthy functioning.  It allows us to stop swimming frantically against the current, instead finding ways to access existing energies toward positive change.

Perhaps, through mindful practice, we will discover those "dragons" are actually more like dolphins that aid our efforts to safely reach new lands of strength and serenity.  For survivors and caregivers alike,  it may be is time to redraw the old maps.