Trauma in Families: the (unkind) gift that keeps on giving

When you throw a pebble into a pond, it sends ripples out in every direction.  The calm surface is disturbed, and everything nearby shifts.  Now picture a handful of pebbles with ripples that merge and change course, so the predictably of the ripple effect is lost to chaos.  If we take it further and drop in a boulder or two; the water is left muddy, and plant life may be broken off, or torn up by the roots.  This is a pretty good metaphor for the effects of trauma within families and communities.  Things may change to a point of being unrecognizable as the place it was before.

My own experience of this phenomenon was in the profound changes to my body, and my perspective on life, following my cancer diagnosis 14 years ago.  Everything spun on a dime, and there were months and years of trying to find a stable place to begin to rebuild.  It took awhile to discover the gifts of that time, but the jury is still out on the effect it has had on my kids.  I know enough about trauma to know that the younger one is at the time of occurrence, the more likely the disruption is to change the trajectory of development.  As the psychologically minded mom that I am, I find myself wondering at each challenge they face, "Would it be different if they hadn't had to go through having a mom with cancer?"  At times I'm sure the answer would be "no," that life just offers such lessons along the way, but other times I'm sure the answer is "yes," and I struggle with lingering grief for the burdens they bear.

Despite efforts to the contrary, we are all affected by the experiences of those around us.  Turn on the 10pm news any evening to see a dozen examples of families and communities struggling to rebuild after an earthquake; a shooting; a bomb...; and we know that in a million other places families are struggling with the less public but equally profound tragedies of death, addiction, poverty and violence http://www.helpguide.org/mental/emotional_psychological_trauma.htm.  Every one of those families and communities is its own little pond, or big sea of ripples and waves that intersect and create further disturbances as they travel outward from their origins.  It staggers the imagination and begs the question, "Is there such a thing as a life unaffected by trauma?"

The first noble truth discovered by the Buddha is that suffering is universal.

It can be overwhelming to try to take on this awareness, so many of us turn our backs to pain by denying its lasting influence.  Sometimes we even blame others for their part in the tragedy, and even resent them for needing help.  Witness the continued reduction of support for poor families with starving children, while luxury items lead sales records, and CEO's make exponentially more profits than a decade ago.  This is yet another byproduct of exposure to trauma; one that manifests in the creation of another generation of victims and perpetrators.

Still, there are gifts available to those who stay open to their presence.  Those who take the time to connect and to share what they have can change the world, one ripple at a time.  Who work quietly behind the scenes to offer support to those in need, and who dedicate their efforts to making the world a better place.  Those ripples of caring and calm are also spreading outward, and we can all do our part to keep them moving outward.

I think of that when I see my sons' gentleness with the children and pets that are around them.  I recognize the positive gifts of our mutual struggles when they support their friends in similar struggles of life crisis and loss.  Would it be different if they hadn't had to go through the fear and uncertainty with their dad and me?  Maybe, but maybe not.  Still the ripples continue.