FLOWING to Well-Being: F is for Feeling

The phrase “go with the flow” is commonly heard in mindfulness oriented groups, but what does it really mean?  The word “flow” has an underlying appeal that brings to mind the movement of water, burbling streams and rhythmic waves.  Perhaps we have an inherent understanding of flow, based on our bodies composition of 97% water, but could the term have deeper application to our well-being?

When I was writing my book, Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss, I asked myself the same question about the meaning of the word flow, and discovered it held a key to self-exploration and expression, as well as opportunity for enhanced healing from loss.  As I reflected upon the letters of the word F-L-O-W they revealed a connection to particular practice oriented words: Feel, Listen, Open, and Witness.  These words effectively describe the heart of healing.  In the months ahead, let’s consider how each of these concepts plays a role in wellness and recovery.

F - Feel.  Life is so full of hurry and hurt that we learn from a young age to ignore and deny our bodies.  Social messages about not being “good-enough” as we are, come from every corner, especially so when it comes to how we look and feel.  Weight loss products and pharmaceutical interventions occupy the vast majority of the advertising slots on our television screens, and more indirect suggestions for buying everything from groceries to luxury cars bombard us with a message of “buy this and you will be more attractive, more sophisticated, more popular”, and so on.  In other words, “Who you are is not enough, and if you spend your money on this or that product, we can make you better.”  Is it any surprise that drugs, depression and debt are the problems that plague our society?

These social messages along with an understandable wish to avoid negative emotions and physical pain cause us to turn away from or actively block feelings.  Doing so has negative implications for our self-awareness and for our communication in relationships.  If we ignore the body’s signals about pain, we risk missing important opportunities to address imbalances while they are still correctable.  If we block our attention to emotional pain, we seek external sources of blame and may misunderstand our own position in our social environment.  Seeking external causes for our own pain is a bit like looking at someone else’s house for our missing keys; shouldn’t we check our own couch cushions first?

If we take the time to hold a calm, steady attention to our bodies, we can tap into blocked or intense mind-body energies to see what may be contained within them.  These energies are often made up of doubts and fears about our own capacity to handle challenges in life. They may hold losses from earlier times, even some from earliest childhood, and/or may be based on misinformation.  A past negative experience can create distorted perceptions about the present, leaving us vulnerable to a continued sense of victimization or unworthiness.  By sitting with and Feeling those key experiences we can address our childhood-based confusion, and take in more up to date information.  For example, a child whose parents are financially stressed or suffering their own depression may get a message of unworthiness or being unwanted, and may take that message to heart leading to hesitation and low self-esteem in adult relationships.  If instead they can sit with the negative message that they have carried, and see the larger context of parental overwhelm, they can release the blocked access to alternative signals from friends and family, and participate more effectively in their own relationships.

In terms of our physical health, we need to know our body’s baseline functioning in order to notice if and when things may be off balance.  Disregarding pain or fatigue may cause us to miss important cues about self-care or the need to seek medical support.  In my own case, had I not been able to check in with my body prior to know the changing conditions of my breast tissue, I might have missed the emergence of the cancerous lump that was quickly consuming healthy tissue.  Such a missed opportunity might have robbed me of the chance to be here today, sharing my story with you.   

Whether physical or emotional, stress and fatigue can create a ticking time-bomb of immune system failures or disrupted relationships.  The only way to prevent such disruptions is to attend with compassion to the inner workings of your bodymind energies.  Ignoring your own internal signals for extended periods will never lead to a better outcome, even though facing those fears may be hard.  Instead, make some time to sit with your Feelings, reflect and find opportunities to express them and don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help.  Just noticing your Feelings is the first step to FLOWING into well-being, Next time we will explore how to Listen and respond effectively to those Feelings.

Ellen C. Ranney, PhD. Is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice.  She specializes in work with trauma survivors and their families.  Dr. Ranney is the author of Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss, (c)2016, available at www.unkindgifts.com.

Self-Sabotage

Self awareness is a powerful tool for health, but it can sometimes be derailed by confusing or ineffective input, creating a state of self-doubt.  This state is actually one that masquerades as self-awareness, but it is distorted by judgmentalism; an artifact of the ego that in its attempt to protect us, ends up undermining our best efforts.  To stave off such doubt we often find ourselves over-functioning, "burning the candle at both ends," as it were.  Driven by competition and the wish to be worthy or special, we take on too many goals, under-serving each, and ultimately sabotaging ourselves.  

Perhaps the tendency to overextend ourselves is actually a form of hedging our bets, if I "fail" to attain what I desire, or impress my (internal or external) audience in one arena, perhaps another one will serve to make up for it.  But as physicists tell us, systems contain finite amounts of energy, therefore, using the energy in one area, limits what is available in another.  In other words, multitasking and over-performing can amount to self-sabotage; our best efforts worn thin in a desire to spread them across too many bases.

There is a huge dilemma in trying to "be all that we can be" instead of just being.  This is further complicated by the pace of life around us, with its deadlines and competitive focus.  Time for self is viewed as "laziness," self-expression is considered "self-indulgence" (said with a concerned frown and much shaking of the head).  Such critical voices from our past and present are especially troublesome when our sense-of-self has been compromised by exposure to interpersonal trauma, leaving us with an already compromised idea of our own worth, and our competence to determine best choices.  

Exposure to trauma is an inherent threat to our sense of trust in ourselves, and in the world.  The tools we need for determining balance between "enough" and "too much" lose their accuracy, so we look outward to try to make that determination.  Yet what we see around us is likely distorted as well, by that very same factor of self-doubt, leading to an endless cycle of trying to "keep up with the Jones'es," who, by the way, are trying to keep up with everyone else.  Add television marketing and the internet-driven-narcissism of social networking to the mix, and we are on the hamster wheel of self-sabotage to an unsustainable level.  At that point, the only thing left to do is to shut down completely.  Witness the manic-depressive cycle of a society; we should hardly be surprised that the most frequent mental health diagnosis of the last two decades is that of "bi-polar disorder."

How do we break this dangerous cycle?  It requires time, patience, and true self-awareness; the kind that disconnects from the competition and criticism of our social environment.  Time to get to know our own pace and best functioning; the patience to determine how much is enlivening and interesting, versus demanding and exhausting;and self-awareness to know when we are attaining our own goals and needs rather than those being fed us by the market-driven economy. None of this can develop overnight, yet with practice such efforts will likely lead to greater satisfaction and compassion in life - Truly a Gold-Medal finish.