Self-Sabotage

Self awareness is a powerful tool for health, but it can sometimes be derailed by confusing or ineffective input, creating a state of self-doubt.  This state is actually one that masquerades as self-awareness, but it is distorted by judgmentalism; an artifact of the ego that in its attempt to protect us, ends up undermining our best efforts.  To stave off such doubt we often find ourselves over-functioning, "burning the candle at both ends," as it were.  Driven by competition and the wish to be worthy or special, we take on too many goals, under-serving each, and ultimately sabotaging ourselves.  

Perhaps the tendency to overextend ourselves is actually a form of hedging our bets, if I "fail" to attain what I desire, or impress my (internal or external) audience in one arena, perhaps another one will serve to make up for it.  But as physicists tell us, systems contain finite amounts of energy, therefore, using the energy in one area, limits what is available in another.  In other words, multitasking and over-performing can amount to self-sabotage; our best efforts worn thin in a desire to spread them across too many bases.

There is a huge dilemma in trying to "be all that we can be" instead of just being.  This is further complicated by the pace of life around us, with its deadlines and competitive focus.  Time for self is viewed as "laziness," self-expression is considered "self-indulgence" (said with a concerned frown and much shaking of the head).  Such critical voices from our past and present are especially troublesome when our sense-of-self has been compromised by exposure to interpersonal trauma, leaving us with an already compromised idea of our own worth, and our competence to determine best choices.  

Exposure to trauma is an inherent threat to our sense of trust in ourselves, and in the world.  The tools we need for determining balance between "enough" and "too much" lose their accuracy, so we look outward to try to make that determination.  Yet what we see around us is likely distorted as well, by that very same factor of self-doubt, leading to an endless cycle of trying to "keep up with the Jones'es," who, by the way, are trying to keep up with everyone else.  Add television marketing and the internet-driven-narcissism of social networking to the mix, and we are on the hamster wheel of self-sabotage to an unsustainable level.  At that point, the only thing left to do is to shut down completely.  Witness the manic-depressive cycle of a society; we should hardly be surprised that the most frequent mental health diagnosis of the last two decades is that of "bi-polar disorder."

How do we break this dangerous cycle?  It requires time, patience, and true self-awareness; the kind that disconnects from the competition and criticism of our social environment.  Time to get to know our own pace and best functioning; the patience to determine how much is enlivening and interesting, versus demanding and exhausting;and self-awareness to know when we are attaining our own goals and needs rather than those being fed us by the market-driven economy. None of this can develop overnight, yet with practice such efforts will likely lead to greater satisfaction and compassion in life - Truly a Gold-Medal finish.