In this third essay about the
FLOWING recovery Model which is at the heart of my recently published book,
Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss, we will
explore the letter O for Open Heart.
Having described the need to Feel our bodies and emotions, and to Listen
mindfully for information about the meanings they contain, we now turn our
attention to offering the non-judgement of an Open Heart.
The
defining element of an open-heartedness is compassion. While many of us may strive to held
compassion for others with varying degrees of success, it is when we try to
direct that compassion toward ourselves that we often “hit a wall.” Yet it is
only possible to truly practice compassion from the center, from our own
open-heart. Such openness implies
accessibility and to many, may suggest a level of vulnerability that feels dangerous. But it is possible to maintain a position of
acceptance of oneself and others without becoming defenseless. Remember that the heart is at the center of
this practice and is a finely tuned receptor in our interpersonal environment.
While our true nature as human
beings is open and receptive, those receptors tend to respond more acutely –
for reasons of survival – to negative events that to positives. This biological predisposition leaves us
watchful for potential threats in our environment and in cases where there is
unprocessed trauma, creates a “negative filter” through which we view our
world. If we are to access recovery from
loss it becomes necessary to challenge those old filters and to modify them for
a more open view.
Compassion toward the self is the
most problematic aspect of open-heartedness, and because we must begin there to
have true compassion for others, it is the most crucial. Although every faith teaches some variation
of “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” there is generally more emphasis placed on
self-sacrifice and less on self-care. In
practical terms, such an imbalance is doomed to a choice between burn-out and “selfishness”
since the necessary flow of energy between the input and output is unavailable,
so energy inevitable runs out.
The other main problem with
compassion (for self or other) is a fear of attending to the inevitability of
suffering. We spend billions of dollars in the country trying to distract
ourselves from the realities of pain and loss.
But as we’ve all heard in the Disney movie “It’s the circle of life,”
and those very elements of suffering are what makes the joyful moments so
precious.
A powerful way to explore
self-compassion is to focus calm awareness on the area known as the heart
chakra. Chakras are energy centers
located along the midline of the torso and head. The seven major chakras identified is ancient
times each pertain to different aspects of physical and emotional energies and
like most structural systems, build upward from the base such that weakness at
the lower levels create instability at upper levels. While this essay is about the compassionate
energies of the heart chakra, all chakras need attention to support essential
functions and balance. In addition,
cutting edge work in neurobiology supports the overall validity of energy and
information transmission along the midline of the body, in studies of the
endocrine and nervous systems, most significantly the poly-vagal theory of
interpersonal social response. (Porges, 2016)
If we are to access and maintain
compassion, we must first connect with those parts of ourselves that may have
suffered confusion and loss in the past.
To ignore this important step is to work from an incomplete “script”
leading to inevitable miscues. Our own
story is the single most powerful source of information about the effects of
similar loss on others. If we keep our
story a secret from our own awareness, we risk inserting misinformation into
the experience of the other. (This is especially problematic for those of us in
professional healing fields.) If
instead, we are clear about what happened to us along the way, we can sort
through that information to clearly access what is like or unlike the situation
being experienced by the other. For
instance, if my own story included complicating factors like someone
manipulating my experience of loss to push blame on me for my own suffering, it
is likely to be quite different than the friend’s situation where the loss is
more clear cut, and while they are in pain, the level of bitterness or
resentment I may have felt, may not fit their story. To misjudge the circumstances of their loss, is to lose track of the very
aspect of hurt they most need my support with.
So before reaching out to try to
help the other, first breath and check in with how you feel about the friend’s
situation, notice if you have had a loss of your own that still feels raw or
easily triggered. Of if you find
yourself reacting strongly to an event that seems less activating to others,
take the time to explore your own heart-space to see whether something is
unfinished or otherwise blocking your vision about the situation. If there is a feeling of loss of safety or
increased anxiety about this task, perhaps it is time to seek the support of a
helping professional to help structure your exploration. Noticing where in your body the tension is
held, or where the feeling of distance is strongest, may lead to important
information about this potential threat.
From there you can explore and express your concerns in a compassionate
manner, offering unconditional support for your own recovery. Using creative expression, mindfulness and
body awareness, there is opportunity for release and re-balancing your system,
bringing new flexibility and new resources to yourself and to those you care
for.
In the next essay of this series, we will pick
up the W in FLOWING to discuss the importance of truly witnessing to validate
and release the bonds of held trauma. In
the meantime, may you have a powerful sense of abundance and Open-heartedness
in the weeks ahead.
