FLOWING to Recovery - O for Open Heart

In this third essay about the FLOWING recovery Model which is at the heart of my recently published book, Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss, we will explore the letter O for Open Heart.  Having described the need to Feel our bodies and emotions, and to Listen mindfully for information about the meanings they contain, we now turn our attention to offering the non-judgement of an Open Heart.

              The defining element of an open-heartedness is compassion.  While many of us may strive to held compassion for others with varying degrees of success, it is when we try to direct that compassion toward ourselves that we often “hit a wall.” Yet it is only possible to truly practice compassion from the center, from our own open-heart.  Such openness implies accessibility and to many, may suggest a level of vulnerability that feels dangerous.  But it is possible to maintain a position of acceptance of oneself and others without becoming defenseless.  Remember that the heart is at the center of this practice and is a finely tuned receptor in our interpersonal environment.

While our true nature as human beings is open and receptive, those receptors tend to respond more acutely – for reasons of survival – to negative events that to positives.  This biological predisposition leaves us watchful for potential threats in our environment and in cases where there is unprocessed trauma, creates a “negative filter” through which we view our world.  If we are to access recovery from loss it becomes necessary to challenge those old filters and to modify them for a more open view.

Compassion toward the self is the most problematic aspect of open-heartedness, and because we must begin there to have true compassion for others, it is the most crucial.  Although every faith teaches some variation of “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” there is generally more emphasis placed on self-sacrifice and less on self-care.  In practical terms, such an imbalance is doomed to a choice between burn-out and “selfishness” since the necessary flow of energy between the input and output is unavailable, so energy inevitable runs out.

The other main problem with compassion (for self or other) is a fear of attending to the inevitability of suffering. We spend billions of dollars in the country trying to distract ourselves from the realities of pain and loss.  But as we’ve all heard in the Disney movie “It’s the circle of life,” and those very elements of suffering are what makes the joyful moments so precious. 

A powerful way to explore self-compassion is to focus calm awareness on the area known as the heart chakra.  Chakras are energy centers located along the midline of the torso and head.  The seven major chakras identified is ancient times each pertain to different aspects of physical and emotional energies and like most structural systems, build upward from the base such that weakness at the lower levels create instability at upper levels.  While this essay is about the compassionate energies of the heart chakra, all chakras need attention to support essential functions and balance.  In addition, cutting edge work in neurobiology supports the overall validity of energy and information transmission along the midline of the body, in studies of the endocrine and nervous systems, most significantly the poly-vagal theory of interpersonal social response. (Porges, 2016)

If we are to access and maintain compassion, we must first connect with those parts of ourselves that may have suffered confusion and loss in the past.  To ignore this important step is to work from an incomplete “script” leading to inevitable miscues.  Our own story is the single most powerful source of information about the effects of similar loss on others.  If we keep our story a secret from our own awareness, we risk inserting misinformation into the experience of the other. (This is especially problematic for those of us in professional healing fields.)  If instead, we are clear about what happened to us along the way, we can sort through that information to clearly access what is like or unlike the situation being experienced by the other.  For instance, if my own story included complicating factors like someone manipulating my experience of loss to push blame on me for my own suffering, it is likely to be quite different than the friend’s situation where the loss is more clear cut, and while they are in pain, the level of bitterness or resentment I may have felt, may not fit their story.  To misjudge the circumstances of their loss, is to lose track of the very aspect of hurt they most need my support with.

So before reaching out to try to help the other, first breath and check in with how you feel about the friend’s situation, notice if you have had a loss of your own that still feels raw or easily triggered.  Of if you find yourself reacting strongly to an event that seems less activating to others, take the time to explore your own heart-space to see whether something is unfinished or otherwise blocking your vision about the situation.  If there is a feeling of loss of safety or increased anxiety about this task, perhaps it is time to seek the support of a helping professional to help structure your exploration.  Noticing where in your body the tension is held, or where the feeling of distance is strongest, may lead to important information about this potential threat.  From there you can explore and express your concerns in a compassionate manner, offering unconditional support for your own recovery.  Using creative expression, mindfulness and body awareness, there is opportunity for release and re-balancing your system, bringing new flexibility and new resources to yourself and to those you care for.

In the next essay of this series, we will pick up the W in FLOWING to discuss the importance of truly witnessing to validate and release the bonds of held trauma.  In the meantime, may you have a powerful sense of abundance and Open-heartedness in the weeks ahead.

FLOWING to Well-Being: L- Listen

The recovery model developed in the book, Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss is represented by an acronym that spells out the word FLOWING.  Last time we considered the letter F for feel, so this entry will focus on the letter L for listen.  We might think that listening is merely a function of our ears, but in this case, the effort is more about our internal awareness and has to do with engaging and receiving meaning from any of a variety of sources.

The best approach to internal listening is found in the practice of mindfulness.  By settling into a calm, undistracted state we find opportunity to truly engage with the meanings and memories that tend to flit through our minds in seemingly random ways most of the time.  During mindfulness practice, rather than grasping onto or fighting to push away those emotions and sensations, we create the space to be with our experiences. From our starting place of feeling what happens with our bodies and our emotion states, we can gently hold those physical/emotional cues with curiosity to discover deeper meanings learned within the stories held there.  For instance, we may have a general sense that a childhood classmate was a bully, and we did not enjoy being around them, but if we can engage with the tightness in our gut that arises when we think about running into that person at the school reunion, and take the time to learn more about it we may be quite surprised.

The sort of listening that is suggested in the model can take any one of several forms; we might SIFT through the information available by attending to sensations, images, feelings and thoughts to discover deeper elements of meaning.  In reference to the bullying example above, the tightness in the gut might remind us of the empty feeling when our lunch money was taken, or an image of the teacher’s angry face at the missing homework assignment due to it having been dropped in a puddle when the bully dumped our backpack.  As we take in whatever initial signals arrive in response to our curiosity and engagement with the internal part to whom we are listening, we might get further information about the deep sense of vulnerability we had when we needed to take the long route to the schoolyard to avoid getting caught by the tormentor, and perhaps that it represented only one small part of the struggles going on in our life at that point.  These contextual elements of the otherwise isolated seeming loss can lead to understanding and even to the creation of connections between the neurons in our brains and bodies.  Those multiple connection points will allow experiences of loss to become absorbed and integrated, rather than remaining disconnected and pulling energy away from more balanced functioning.

The advantages of a mindfulness practice are more than just clarifying the context and meanings within old hurts.  Such practices also help to build resources for coping with past, as well as with future disruptions to our sense of safety and well-being.  Regular mindfulness practice has been found to decrease anxiety and depression, to raise the level of baseline happiness, and to improve pain management.  We so often find ourselves on a treadmill of endless tasks to be completed, and comparing ourselves to others in unflattering ways.  Mindfulness practices can take many forms but virtually always involves stepping back from those pressures to learn to tolerate discomfort, and to appreciate what we have in the moment.  Generally, there is a focus on breathing as the object of meditation, which offers increased oxygenation to the body and slows the heartbeat to a more natural rhythm.  These physical changes decrease stress levels and reset the baseline to a more receptive state.

As we listen to the deeply held burdens of our experiences of loss, we may develop a better understanding of the complexities of our lives, and be in a position to offer ourselves compassion and soothing.  Those attitudes go far toward healing the disruptions and self-doubts that may have been carried from those early days.  Our perceiving adult, Self can offer a supportive response to victimized or traumatized child parts, effectively encouraging them to release and become more in tune with present day life.  This attitude shift may bring a whole new level of energy and competence to our adult functioning, and even extend to a new sense of compassion for others. We might even begin to grasp the pain that was indicated in that schoolyard bully’s behaviors, and to see that they were only acting-out the confusion and pain of their own situation.  Perhaps we’ll even find ourselves anticipating seeing our former nemesis again at the reunion in the hope that they, too, have found a peaceful resolution to their struggles. This kind of open-hearted response can arise from listening to our own deeply held meanings, and will be the subject of the next entry in this series of essays on FLOWING to Well-being.

Transforming Loss

Thanksgiving should be a time of celebration, but this year is has been draped in the black crepe of loss. I attended two funerals, one for a young man who took his own life in the depths of his struggle with mental illness, and the other, an elderly aunt who lived a full and bountiful life. The contrast between these losses was striking, but death does not discriminate.  As sad as each of those losses were to the family and friends of these departed, there was comfort to be had in gathering together to honor them with songs and eulogies, photos and reminiscences, that left us all with a feeling of having seen them off to the next stage of their journey, whatever that may be.

More disturbing losses arrived in abundance with the mass shootings at a center for the promotion of women's health, and a program for environmental health.  The senselessness and depravity of these random and widespread losses is devastating, yet they are only the most recent of the more the 100 such events to take place this calendar year in this country.  Not to speak of the incredible losses around the world through war, poverty, epidemics and callous disregard of life.  How can we assimilate such loss without becoming disconnected from our own humanity?  How can we protect ourselves from the constant mirroring of our shadow selves as it arises in the savage disregard for life among others of the human species.

Instead of turning away in fear and disgust, it is essential that we pause to acknowledge these losses.  We can hold a small light in the darkness by engaging these painful stories with compassion for those who suffer.  It is the disenfranchised who express their express their isolation and frustration through such desperate acts. Only someone with the feeling of nothing more to loose could turn to such measures, thinking they can somehow make a difference by causing such pain to others.  It is hard to even consider expending compassion on people who would act with such seeming indifference to the rights and wellbeing of others, yet their very actions cry out for change.  Change in our focus on independence over interdependence.  Change in our celebration of financial fortune as the measure of success, rather than an opportunity to share and aid those less fortunate.

Crisis always begets opportunity.  May we all seek to offer solace to the suffering; to shine a light on our common humanity; to recognize ourselves in the faces of those less fortunate.  By such efforts we can change the world, one human interaction at a time. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine...