In Defense of Anger

In order to really address questions of boundary awareness, it is essential to discuss the emotion that gets a bad rap; Anger.  Too often when we say "anger," the experiences that come to mind are those of rage - "anger on steroids."  But that skips over the essential role of anger in our personal expression and self-awareness.  Rage is another thing altogether.  Where rage is loud and aggressive; anger is quiet and clear.  Where rage pushes people away; anger identifies the line between enough and too much.

I have a strong image of my angry part.  She looks a lot like Cher in the '80s; long black wavy hair, tight fitting jeans, and attitude.  She has, of course, been around for many years, but I only really got to know her 4 years ago in the midst of my level one IFS (Internal Family Systems) training.  It was around half-way through the intensive training, and I'd gotten used to starting the training day with the practice of internal observation (mindfulness), to determine what needed attention at that days session.  Anger didn't wait for the session to begin, in fact she showed herself as I waited for a light to change on my way to the training. 

 As I followed up with that day's "introduction" to Anger, it became clear to me that this part of myself had been fighting for awareness, not to "go off" on anyone, but to protect and support me.  Focus on the part showed me example after example of times she had been nearby throughout my life, and each was a strong indication of a time someone had demanded more of me than was their right; or had misunderstood my intent; or had been threatened by my abilities.  In other works, they had crossed boundaries into my personal, emotional or physical space.  Anger had gotten me through the toughest fights of my life, during cancer and other times of personal crisis.  Sometimes I had neglected to heed her warnings, instead turning anger toward myself in the form of depression, but she stood strong and kept me moving forward.

Now, I know anger to be my ally, and I attend to her before she has to get more intensive or self-directed in order to gain my awareness.  She provides balance and clarity in my responses to interpersonal and global concerns, poking at my solar plexus (the power chakra) if injustice threatens to intrude.  Sometimes we have to decide if it is worthy of a commitment to action, or agree to just let it go, but it is a decision made together with conscious attention to the boundaries and ethics, and who it may affect.

I find it interesting that keeping that part of myself nearby results in a more open, calm awareness, and more receptivity to the foibles of others.  We know who we are, and what space is ours to manage, so are less reactive to what we cannot control.  Anger supports, and deserves, gratitude. 

Thanks for watching my back, Anger.  I think I will keep you as close as my middle name, Claire, for your gifts of clarity.

Personal Space

It is said that "good fences make good neighbors,"  pointing to the importance of feeling in charge of your own space. Having a sense of safety and ownership provides a base of operations for taking on the world.  This is even more true when it comes to being in control of your physical space; that area immediately around and including the body.  When boundary violations reach traumatic levels, such personal control is often completely lost.  Intrusion into one's personal space may come in the form of verbal comments about how we look, what we are wearing, or our body type or gender. More physically intrusive boundary violations such as acts of violence or sexual exploitation, may create so much confusion around one's right to manage their own body, or to speak out about injustice or violation, that we are unable to identify our own meanings or sense of reality. From a perspective of interpersonal danger, it is impossible to effectively evaluate and participate in healthy relationships.

Traumatic injury causes damage to our ability to trust our world, our relationships and ourselves.  Without a trusted other to act as mirror, we are left with no validation of our perspective.  Those who have been exploited in interpersonal relationships may feel lost at sea, unable to find safe harbor.  They may look to outside sources as models of how to act and what to feel, but internally they feel like imposters, since those outside models do not reflect their history and perspective.  The trauma survivor may despair at the confusing array of what is OK or NOT OK and how that spectrum may vary from person to person.  What they seek is a method or model that they can count on; one that is based on awareness of the internal self.

If a person's boundaries have been violated, or they have never had the opportunity to learn where such personal space begins, it is difficult to determine when and how to establish healthy boundaries.  When asked for assistance with such self-determination, I encourage clients to consider their physical responses to past examples of overstepped boundaries.  They usually look confused at the question, but eventually describe some physical manifestation related to unacknowledged anger; tightness in the gut or shoulders; rapid heartbeat, etc.  From that point, they need to attend to such signals and to make a mental contract to avoid agreeing to a request while ignoring those feelings; instead taking time to consider if the question is fair, appropriate or desirable before offering a response.  It is amazing what a difference it makes to listen to the body before allowing plans to be made.  This simple attention to the body and delayed response is the key to developing a strong and consistent set of healthy personal boundaries.