The phrase “go with the flow” is
commonly heard in mindfulness oriented groups, but what does it really
mean? The word “flow” has an underlying
appeal that brings to mind the movement of water, burbling streams and rhythmic
waves. Perhaps we have an inherent
understanding of flow, based on our bodies composition of 97% water, but could
the term have deeper application to our well-being?
When I was writing my book, Unkind
Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss, I asked
myself the same question about the meaning of the word flow, and discovered it
held a key to self-exploration and expression, as well as opportunity for
enhanced healing from loss. As I
reflected upon the letters of the word F-L-O-W they revealed a connection to
particular practice oriented words: Feel,
Listen, Open, and Witness. These words effectively describe the
heart of healing. In the months ahead,
let’s consider how each of these concepts plays a role in wellness and recovery.
F - Feel. Life
is so full of hurry and hurt that we learn from a young age to ignore and deny
our bodies. Social messages about not
being “good-enough” as we are, come from every corner, especially so when it
comes to how we look and feel. Weight
loss products and pharmaceutical interventions occupy the vast majority of the
advertising slots on our television screens, and more indirect suggestions for
buying everything from groceries to luxury cars bombard us with a message of
“buy this and you will be more attractive, more sophisticated, more popular”,
and so on. In other words, “Who you are
is not enough, and if you spend your money on this or that product, we can make
you better.” Is it any surprise that
drugs, depression and debt are the problems that plague our society?
These social messages along with
an understandable wish to avoid negative emotions and physical pain cause us to
turn away from or actively block feelings.
Doing so has negative implications for our self-awareness and for our
communication in relationships. If we
ignore the body’s signals about pain, we risk missing important opportunities
to address imbalances while they are still correctable. If we block our attention to emotional pain,
we seek external sources of blame and may misunderstand our own position in our
social environment. Seeking external
causes for our own pain is a bit like looking at someone else’s house for our
missing keys; shouldn’t we check our own couch cushions first?
If we take the time to hold a calm,
steady attention to our bodies, we can tap into blocked or intense mind-body
energies to see what may be contained within them. These energies are often made up of doubts
and fears about our own capacity to handle challenges in life. They may hold
losses from earlier times, even some from earliest childhood, and/or may be
based on misinformation. A past negative
experience can create distorted perceptions about the present, leaving us
vulnerable to a continued sense of victimization or unworthiness. By sitting with and Feeling those key experiences we can address our childhood-based
confusion, and take in more up to date information. For example, a child whose parents are
financially stressed or suffering their own depression may get a message of
unworthiness or being unwanted, and may take that message to heart leading to
hesitation and low self-esteem in adult relationships. If instead they can sit with the negative
message that they have carried, and see the larger context of parental
overwhelm, they can release the blocked access to alternative signals from
friends and family, and participate more effectively in their own
relationships.
In terms of our physical health,
we need to know our body’s baseline functioning in order to notice if and when
things may be off balance. Disregarding
pain or fatigue may cause us to miss important cues about self-care or the need
to seek medical support. In my own case,
had I not been able to check in with my body prior to know the changing
conditions of my breast tissue, I might have missed the emergence of the
cancerous lump that was quickly consuming healthy tissue. Such a missed opportunity might have robbed
me of the chance to be here today, sharing my story with you.
Whether physical or emotional,
stress and fatigue can create a ticking time-bomb of immune system failures or
disrupted relationships. The only way to
prevent such disruptions is to attend with compassion to the inner workings of
your bodymind energies. Ignoring your
own internal signals for extended periods will never lead to a better outcome,
even though facing those fears may be hard.
Instead, make some time to sit with your Feelings, reflect and find opportunities to express them and don’t
be afraid to reach out if you need help.
Just noticing your Feelings is
the first step to FLOWING into well-being, Next time we will explore how to
Listen and respond effectively to those Feelings.
Ellen C. Ranney, PhD. Is a
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. She specializes in work with trauma survivors
and their families. Dr. Ranney is the
author of Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s
Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss, (c)2016, available at www.unkindgifts.com.
