The recovery model developed in the
book, Unkind Gifts: An Insider’s Guide to Recovery from Trauma and Loss
is represented by an acronym that spells out the word FLOWING. Last time we considered the letter F for feel, so this entry will focus on the
letter L for listen. We might think that listening is merely a function of our ears, but in this case, the
effort is more about our internal awareness and has to do with engaging and
receiving meaning from any of a variety of sources.
The best approach to internal listening is found in the practice of
mindfulness. By settling into a calm,
undistracted state we find opportunity to truly engage with the meanings and
memories that tend to flit through our minds in seemingly random ways most of
the time. During mindfulness practice, rather
than grasping onto or fighting to push away those emotions and sensations, we
create the space to be with our experiences. From our starting place of feeling what happens with our bodies and
our emotion states, we can gently hold those physical/emotional cues with
curiosity to discover deeper meanings learned within the stories held
there. For instance, we may have a
general sense that a childhood classmate was a bully, and we did not enjoy
being around them, but if we can engage with the tightness in our gut that
arises when we think about running into that person at the school reunion, and
take the time to learn more about it we may be quite surprised.
The sort of listening that is suggested in the model can take any one of
several forms; we might SIFT through the information available by attending to
sensations, images, feelings and thoughts to discover deeper elements of
meaning. In reference to the bullying
example above, the tightness in the gut might remind us of the empty feeling when
our lunch money was taken, or an image of the teacher’s angry face at the
missing homework assignment due to it having been dropped in a puddle when the
bully dumped our backpack. As we take in
whatever initial signals arrive in response to our curiosity and engagement
with the internal part to whom we are listening,
we might get further information about the deep sense of vulnerability we had
when we needed to take the long route to the schoolyard to avoid getting caught
by the tormentor, and perhaps that it represented only one small part of the
struggles going on in our life at that point.
These contextual elements of the otherwise isolated seeming loss can
lead to understanding and even to the creation of connections between the
neurons in our brains and bodies. Those
multiple connection points will allow experiences of loss to become absorbed
and integrated, rather than remaining disconnected and pulling energy away from
more balanced functioning.
The advantages of a mindfulness
practice are more than just clarifying the context and meanings within old
hurts. Such practices also help to build
resources for coping with past, as well as with future disruptions to our sense
of safety and well-being. Regular
mindfulness practice has been found to decrease anxiety and depression, to
raise the level of baseline happiness, and to improve pain management. We so often find ourselves on a treadmill of
endless tasks to be completed, and comparing ourselves to others in
unflattering ways. Mindfulness practices
can take many forms but virtually always involves stepping back from those
pressures to learn to tolerate discomfort, and to appreciate what we have in
the moment. Generally, there is a focus
on breathing as the object of meditation, which offers increased oxygenation to
the body and slows the heartbeat to a more natural rhythm. These physical changes decrease stress levels
and reset the baseline to a more receptive state.
As we listen to the deeply held burdens of our experiences of loss, we
may develop a better understanding of the complexities of our lives, and be in
a position to offer ourselves compassion and soothing. Those attitudes go far toward healing the
disruptions and self-doubts that may have been carried from those early
days. Our perceiving adult, Self can
offer a supportive response to victimized or traumatized child parts,
effectively encouraging them to release and become more in tune with present
day life. This attitude shift may bring
a whole new level of energy and competence to our adult functioning, and even extend
to a new sense of compassion for others. We might even begin to grasp the pain
that was indicated in that schoolyard bully’s behaviors, and to see that they
were only acting-out the confusion and pain of their own situation. Perhaps we’ll even find ourselves
anticipating seeing our former nemesis again at the reunion in the hope that
they, too, have found a peaceful resolution to their struggles. This kind of
open-hearted response can arise from listening to our own deeply held meanings,
and will be the subject of the next entry in this series of essays on FLOWING
to Well-being.
